How to move like a normal person.

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When you hear the word, "moving" do your eyes instantly get bloodshot? Does your heart race and all of a sudden, you automatically begin to bite your nails to little stubbies? I'd even bet that you stock up on extra drugs just to get through "The Move".

Yup. Been there...12 times.

We are what you call, veteran movers here, people. In terms of moving, we have literally been around the block.

So I'm going to share my abundance and wealth of knowledge here. I give you:

How To Move Like A (Relatively) Normal Person

1. When reserving a rental truck, never check how much stuff you have beforehand to make sure it will fit. Ain't nobody got time for dat! Believe me, you will need to spend your time more wisely like planning on when you are going to put that flaming bag of poo on your annoying neighbor's doorstep as you last "goodbye". Another example would be debating whether Punjab's Thai is going to really give you a case of the violent shiz this time or only some little squirts because, let's be real, you've already packed away all of your dishes. P.S. It's the violent shiz this time...

And BONUS! Because your moving truck is too small to fit all of your crap junk freakin shizload of useless garbage loving belongings, you finally have an excuse to throw away that hideous picture "the best man" gave you for your wedding of the dogs playing poker. It just won't fit, honey...*tsk*I'm sorry.


2. Don't even bother trying to plan your move around Aunt Flow. Let me tell you, if there is anything I have learned from Aunt Flow, it's that she is one crazy beast. She will find you, and she will kill your baby box. Aaaaand it will be your heaviest flow aaaaaaaand it will feel like you are being turned inside out aaaaaaand you won't bring enough tampons.

And because you will be on your period during your move, this brings us to number three.


3. You can always trust your neighborhood friendly landlord. So when they say that all you need to do is switch the utilities over to your name and every thing will be peaches and sunshine and unicorns farting rainbows, they probably mean it.

Well, except for the gas.

Minor detail, I know. We almost didn't even notice it was off for 4 days because it's not like our heat was powered by gas, and it wasn't like our oven/stove was a gas range and it wasn't like our water heater was gas or anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, you see, I wanted to heat up bowls of water in a microwave for 15 minutes, 5 times each just so I could get enough water to wash my face and bum (face first, bum later...). *Remember, The Red Devil is still in your belly and Punjab's Thai is making a gracious exit. Are we having fun yet?*


4. You can always rely on the rental truck company to give you options that you will be 100% okay with.
Out of all the mother loving trucks they have, they'll give you the best option.  

For 14 hours, people...14. hours.

I only use this picture as an example of what the cab looked like. Just replace the camping chair with a bunch of pillows and blankets and replace the "legroom" with a diaper bag, DVD player, and a backpack filled with  clothes.

Just make sure you duck when you see a police man but other than that, it's like sleeping in the sweet, sweet arms of Hugh Jackman while listening to the soft hum of the Liam Neeson-like engine.

Except, just replace Hugh Jackman with Steve Buscemi and Liam Neeson with Gilbert Gottfried but, pffft, tomato-tomatto!


5. Communication is your friend. You would not want to end up traveling for 14 hours through a deadly snow storm only to have your neighborhood friendly landlord tell you that although it's 4:45, he wants to go home at 5:30 so you're going to have to get a hotel. Oh what's that? You're in town now? Oh your husband starts work tomorrow at 8:00 AM? Oh you've got a screaming two year-old? Something about Punjab and an evil case of the mensies?

Oh well...too darn bad....
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Because you wouldn't want that totally hypothetical scenario to happen.



So there you go! With my five tips, your move is going to be awesome. It's going to be up there with birthing your firstborn child and trying El Pollo Loco's macaroni n' cheese for the first time.  Moving doesn't have to be stressful. Wait, no....it does. It's totally stressful.

Ahhh, it's nice to be home.